Love this! So glad you wrote about moral injury as an element of the experience. I also always appreciate your feminist perspective! The idea of a pre-emptive moral injury is powerful and does help to explain a family environment with this unknown secret. The "princess and the pea" story is a perfect analogy. Can't lie, though, I found "trauma" in quotes in the twelfth paragraph to be triggering. I believe this to be a full blown trauma- meeting all the diagnostic criteria. Having this experience invalidated perpetuates the trauma MPEs feel. Like you, I also went into the experience with years of therapeutic training under my belt, and it floored me like nothing else has. I am not alone, according to Chen Avni's 2022 research study, two thirds of us experienced suicidality as a result. Maybe there are significant gender differences- Avni had a lot more women participate in his research then men. Patriarchy hits different for women. I very much appreciate your perspective and thought leadership in this arena- thank you so much!
Thank you Amy! 🙏 I think one reason we often see more women engaging in group support is the influence of our patriarchal culture, which shapes how we process and share our experiences. I want to clarify that the quotation marks around 'trauma' are meant to address the term's overuse in some contexts, not to discount or invalidate anyone’s experience. Trauma is deeply personal, and each of us responds to challenging events in unique ways. For some, it leads to a full-blown trauma response, while others may process it as prolonged, chronic stress rather than a singular traumatic event. Both perspectives are valid, and it’s important to acknowledge this spectrum of experience — whether someone identifies with having a trauma response or sees it as a chronic stress reaction. Both are real, and both deserve support and validation.
This is beautifully articulated and at the heart of so much family heartache. I know it was the first of these kinds of family mysteries that created the "itch" I've always had for family history. It was a pursuit of truth.
I've appreciated your involvement in our growing Projectkin community, but I don't know if you or your audience might have seen the 4-part series of posts by our member Kerri Kearney. She uses the metaphor of "burls" to describe the complicated relationships in real family trees. You'll find the series projectkin.substack.com/t/burls
Super interesting post! Like others have already mentioned, your analogy: “Like the princess in the fairytale who couldn’t sleep because of a deeply hidden pea, children in families with undisclosed parentage can experience an undefined discomfort. This “pea” represents the secret(s) that distorts family dynamics, creating a constant low-level stress that hinders emotional and psychological development.” is very helpful to understand what happens!!
Thank you so much for this essay, John, and especially the deep dive into MPEs.
What's intriguing to me is that my 'pea' experiences totally resonate with your description, although they're unrelated to questions about parentage. This seems to suggest (to me), that we can live with the discomfort of that nagging, unbearable 'pea' when there are other core issues about which we have been kept in the dark...
You write: "Discovering an MPE can be life-altering, and its emotional impact varies among those who experience it. The concept of pre-emptive moral injury clarifies these emotional struggles, highlighting the crucial importance of transparency, honesty, and connection within family systems. This framework reveals the often hidden wounds created by family secrets and underscores the need for greater awareness and support for those impacted by MPEs."
Oh yes! Those family secrets.... thanks for shining your light into those dark cracks and crannies 🔥🙏 💕
You’re welcome. Yes, there may be other hidden wounds or “unthought knowns” which is why developing a therapeutic relationship with a competent professional, along with peer support, can be so healing. Thanks for your comment!
I should perhaps clarify that I read 'MPE' in a broader sense. In my case there was no actual 'misattributed parentage experience' but a virtual one. My mother pretended to love me just like all her other (male) children, while her behaviour towards me spoke a different language. She hated girls and never wanted to have a daughter... This hatred towards the feminine started (in my mother's memory) with the birth of her younger sister (who committed suicide)
Happy to have come across your Substack, John! Until now, I hadn't found anyone else writing about MPE/NPE experiences here. I definitely relate to the princess and the pea syndrome you describe, and I can tell you that my discovery, at 50 years old, that my dad is not my birth father was a very traumatic experience – despite a few clues I chose to ignore over the years. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
So much resonated for me here. I'm a step adoptee and although I always knew my dad was my adoptive father, I most of the time denied any curiosity at all about who my bio father was. Meanwhile, none of the adults around me thought it was necessary to tell me about him. The "pea" analogy and the term "unthought known" are perfect descriptions of knowing but not knowing. I've beaten myself up so many times by reframing my mother's intentional withholding of information from me into "I knew, I could have asked, it's my fault for not pursuing it." Thank you for this very helpful article!
I had never attached my childhood “Princess and Pea” theme to family history before, but can see the link now.
Growing up half a world away from any family links, with parents who either did not speak of their childhood (my Dad) or glorified it with shiny stories (my Mum), and then finding family truths at age 50+ (thanks internet and visits to amazing cousins in UK), I can relate to much of what you write here!
Love this! So glad you wrote about moral injury as an element of the experience. I also always appreciate your feminist perspective! The idea of a pre-emptive moral injury is powerful and does help to explain a family environment with this unknown secret. The "princess and the pea" story is a perfect analogy. Can't lie, though, I found "trauma" in quotes in the twelfth paragraph to be triggering. I believe this to be a full blown trauma- meeting all the diagnostic criteria. Having this experience invalidated perpetuates the trauma MPEs feel. Like you, I also went into the experience with years of therapeutic training under my belt, and it floored me like nothing else has. I am not alone, according to Chen Avni's 2022 research study, two thirds of us experienced suicidality as a result. Maybe there are significant gender differences- Avni had a lot more women participate in his research then men. Patriarchy hits different for women. I very much appreciate your perspective and thought leadership in this arena- thank you so much!
Thank you Amy! 🙏 I think one reason we often see more women engaging in group support is the influence of our patriarchal culture, which shapes how we process and share our experiences. I want to clarify that the quotation marks around 'trauma' are meant to address the term's overuse in some contexts, not to discount or invalidate anyone’s experience. Trauma is deeply personal, and each of us responds to challenging events in unique ways. For some, it leads to a full-blown trauma response, while others may process it as prolonged, chronic stress rather than a singular traumatic event. Both perspectives are valid, and it’s important to acknowledge this spectrum of experience — whether someone identifies with having a trauma response or sees it as a chronic stress reaction. Both are real, and both deserve support and validation.
This is beautifully articulated and at the heart of so much family heartache. I know it was the first of these kinds of family mysteries that created the "itch" I've always had for family history. It was a pursuit of truth.
I've appreciated your involvement in our growing Projectkin community, but I don't know if you or your audience might have seen the 4-part series of posts by our member Kerri Kearney. She uses the metaphor of "burls" to describe the complicated relationships in real family trees. You'll find the series projectkin.substack.com/t/burls
Super interesting post! Like others have already mentioned, your analogy: “Like the princess in the fairytale who couldn’t sleep because of a deeply hidden pea, children in families with undisclosed parentage can experience an undefined discomfort. This “pea” represents the secret(s) that distorts family dynamics, creating a constant low-level stress that hinders emotional and psychological development.” is very helpful to understand what happens!!
Thanks for your response! Yes, imagine enduring this for a lifetime and not having a clue of the origins for these symptoms. Heartbreaking.💔
Yes. I have heard similar accounts from people I know who were adopted.
Thank you so much for this essay, John, and especially the deep dive into MPEs.
What's intriguing to me is that my 'pea' experiences totally resonate with your description, although they're unrelated to questions about parentage. This seems to suggest (to me), that we can live with the discomfort of that nagging, unbearable 'pea' when there are other core issues about which we have been kept in the dark...
You write: "Discovering an MPE can be life-altering, and its emotional impact varies among those who experience it. The concept of pre-emptive moral injury clarifies these emotional struggles, highlighting the crucial importance of transparency, honesty, and connection within family systems. This framework reveals the often hidden wounds created by family secrets and underscores the need for greater awareness and support for those impacted by MPEs."
Oh yes! Those family secrets.... thanks for shining your light into those dark cracks and crannies 🔥🙏 💕
You’re welcome. Yes, there may be other hidden wounds or “unthought knowns” which is why developing a therapeutic relationship with a competent professional, along with peer support, can be so healing. Thanks for your comment!
I should perhaps clarify that I read 'MPE' in a broader sense. In my case there was no actual 'misattributed parentage experience' but a virtual one. My mother pretended to love me just like all her other (male) children, while her behaviour towards me spoke a different language. She hated girls and never wanted to have a daughter... This hatred towards the feminine started (in my mother's memory) with the birth of her younger sister (who committed suicide)
Happy to have come across your Substack, John! Until now, I hadn't found anyone else writing about MPE/NPE experiences here. I definitely relate to the princess and the pea syndrome you describe, and I can tell you that my discovery, at 50 years old, that my dad is not my birth father was a very traumatic experience – despite a few clues I chose to ignore over the years. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
You’re welcome.
So much resonated for me here. I'm a step adoptee and although I always knew my dad was my adoptive father, I most of the time denied any curiosity at all about who my bio father was. Meanwhile, none of the adults around me thought it was necessary to tell me about him. The "pea" analogy and the term "unthought known" are perfect descriptions of knowing but not knowing. I've beaten myself up so many times by reframing my mother's intentional withholding of information from me into "I knew, I could have asked, it's my fault for not pursuing it." Thank you for this very helpful article!
A lot to contemplate here, thanks!
I had never attached my childhood “Princess and Pea” theme to family history before, but can see the link now.
Growing up half a world away from any family links, with parents who either did not speak of their childhood (my Dad) or glorified it with shiny stories (my Mum), and then finding family truths at age 50+ (thanks internet and visits to amazing cousins in UK), I can relate to much of what you write here!
Thankyou again!
You’re welcome. Thank you for for sharing part of your story as well.🙏