Our culture is increasingly saturated with narratives of trauma, from news headlines to social media feeds. While it's essential to acknowledge the pervasive nature of these experiences, it's equally important to avoid perpetuating a sense of hopelessness or victimhood. To truly understand the complexities of healing, we must look beyond the surface-level narratives.
Recent events, such as the case of a licensed professional counselor who betrayed the trust of a young client, underscore the vulnerabilities within the mental health system. Such breaches of trust are not isolated incidents. Emotional abuse and manipulation can also occur within the therapeutic relationship, often in more subtle ways. When therapists fail to recognize these dynamics, they inadvertently contribute to the victim's suffering.
Therapy should be a sanctuary, a place of healing and growth. Mental health professionals must be vigilant in upholding ethical standards and challenging behaviors that perpetuate abuse. By fostering safe and supportive therapeutic environments, we can empower survivors to embark on their journeys of recovery. In a previous article, I delved deeper into the issue of ethical breaches in therapy. While that piece focused on specific cases, this article aims to provide a broader perspective on the complexities of healing from trauma. The betrayal of trust by a mental health professional can create a secondary layer of trauma, making it even harder for survivors to seek the professional support they desperately need for healing.
The Myth of Closure
Many people cling to the feel-good Hollywood fantasy that true closure comes when a victim confronts their abuser or receives an apology. It’s an understandably comforting narrative of vengeance or justice, but one that rarely reflects reality, though it sells more movie tickets and gets more clicks on social media. Of course, it would be wonderfully validating—for a little while. But in my experience, most perpetrators never take responsibility for their actions, and many survivors will never have the opportunity—or even the desire—to confront them. To be clear, I’ve had the privilege to work with both victims as well as offenders at the same time in the same office space— an impossibly precarious tightrope to walk. The expectation that healing hinges on this confrontation and external validation places an undue burden on survivors, making them feel that their recovery is somehow incomplete without the storybook ending.
This belief isn’t just flawed; it’s absurd. It suggests that the well-being of a survivor remains in the hands of the very person who caused their suffering. It shifts the focus away from the survivor’s own journey and places the power of healing outside their control. For many, this is an impossible and cruel expectation, one that risks re-traumatizing them and prolonging their suffering.
Healing from Within
Healing from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse is an internal and private process. It’s something that takes place within the survivor. Internal trust is built brick by brick and cannot depend on external factors—least of all, the actions of the perpetrator. As a psychotherapist, I’ve seen how essential it is for survivors to reclaim their narrative and rebuild their sense of self-worth—completely independent of their abuser living rent-free in their psyche.
In therapy, the focus shifts from the perpetrator’s actions to the survivor’s resilience and strength. The goal isn’t to seek validation from the person who caused the harm but to empower survivors to heal on their own terms, in their own way, and on their own timeline. For example, I’ve worked with children who initially believed they needed an apology from their abuser to move forward. But over time, they discovered that healing was about reclaiming their own power—something no one else on the planet (neither their friends nor parents) could give them or take away, and certainly not a psychotherapist.
One poignant case that stands out was a woman in her sixties who was sexually assaulted repeatedly by her father at the age of eight in a strictly religious household. She recalled a crucifix hanging on her bedroom wall and feeling that she had committed an unforgivable sin. She was convinced she would go to hell and was coerced by religious guilt to remain silent. Only in her sixties did she feel she was ready to confront her inner demons before it was too late. By then, her life had crumbled—nearing retirement age she was fired from her job due to anger management issues, she was living in a hoarder’s squalor, and she hadn’t opened her mail in months. Bills went unpaid, and her home was about to be foreclosed. Her physical health was deteriorating, and she was still chain-smoking cigarettes, another misguided attempt to self-medicate her buried pain. An apology from her abusive father and neglectful mother, who had turned away from the abuse, was out of the question. Her healing had to start with herself.
So, we worked together to focus on just that. She eventually was able to stop smoking but needed to carry a portable oxygen generator to attend sessions in person—long before Telehealth existed. She bravely began to sort through piles of unopened envelopes, sought help to clean up her home and finances, and eventually sold her unsustainable house for an affordable and comfortable apartment. She found new friends in support groups and began truly living her life, not merely surviving. She took back the time she had left, and she really lived.
Empowerment Through Autonomy
Survivors can and must reclaim their power. True healing comes when they realize that their recovery is within their control, with the right kind of support. The perpetrator’s thoughts, actions, or remorse—or lack thereof—cannot dictate the survivor’s future well-being. This is where the real shift happens: from being defined by the trauma inflicted upon their bodies to becoming the authors of their own healing journey.
Central to this process is the development of self-compassion and self-trust. These are the tools that help survivors rebuild their lives, not as a response to the actions of their abuser, but as a testament to their own resilience and trust that life is good; in and of itself. Healing becomes an ongoing and lifelong process of growth, a reclaiming of power that no one else can touch.
When survivors focus on their own journey—on nurturing their inner strength—they find peace and internally validate closure on their own terms. This is infinitely more powerful and enduring than anything that could come externally, especially from a perpetrator.
Healing from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse does not—and cannot—depend on the actions of the perpetrator. Survivors do not need to wait. They have the power to heal on their own terms, to reclaim their narrative, and to rebuild their lives from the inside out. The journey is not easy, but it is one of profound strength and resilience. With support, compassion, and (a mostly) unwavering belief in their ability to heal, survivors can find peace, purpose, and a rich fulfilling life at any age.
Beyond the personal journey of healing, it's essential to acknowledge the systemic failures that often compound the trauma experienced by survivors. A lack of comprehensive support systems, including accessible mental health care, legal aid, and safe housing, can create additional barriers to recovery. It's imperative to advocate for policies that prioritize the needs of survivors and hold perpetrators accountable. Improvements have been made, but what exists today is far from perfect.
To truly empower survivors, we must create communities that believe in them, support them, and provide the resources they need to heal. By working together, we can build a future where childhood sexual trauma does not define a person's life.
Resources:
For parents and caregivers: Here's a helpful video, “Your Body Belongs to You”, which introduces children (and many adults) to the concepts of bodily autonomy and consent in an age-appropriate way. Teaching children about their rights over their own bodies is an essential step in fostering safety and confidence. I strongly urge you to watch the video here: Your Body Belongs to You
National Hotlines:
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 (for LGBTQ+ youth)
Organizations:
The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN): Provides support and resources for survivors of sexual assault.
The National Child Abuse Hotline: Offers resources and support for child abuse prevention and treatment.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): Provides information and support for individuals with mental health conditions.
Support Groups and Online Communities:
Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA): Offers support groups and resources for survivors of incest.
Childhelp USA: Provides crisis counseling and support services for child abuse victims.
Explore Online forums & support groups: Many online platforms offer support communities for survivors of abuse.
Mental Health Resources:
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): Offers treatment locator and referral services.
The Jed Foundation: Provides resources for mental health and suicide prevention.
Disclaimer:
The experiences and examples shared in this essay are based on professional encounters as a psychotherapist, with identifying details altered to protect confidentiality. This essay is for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice, therapy, or a substitute for mental health treatment. If you or someone you know is struggling with the effects of abuse, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional.
You made an excellent point about the Hollywood portrayal of how healing/closure looks like. It's so true that that is a myth, a rare case. Among the thousands of women who are healing from betrayal that I'm connected with, 0% of the betraying partners ever take responsibility. When it comes to parental abuse, it's also true, especially in cultures like mine, where the parents would "lose face" if they ever apologize to their children. So, what you said about healing starting from within is absolutely true. Reclaiming our sense of self and tapping into the inner resources with the help of a good therapist and support network is key, and it doesn't have to involve the perpetrator of abuse. Your client example is amazing and a good testiment to your thesis. Great article!
Outstanding article. As a counselor of many years, and through my writing, I've witnessed and then worked to capture the feelings and intricacies of abuse. It is never, ever easy. Empathy, understanding, and the ability to listen and guide are important ingredients to helping the victim over the hurdle.