Necessary Illusions
Why We Need A Self to Learn & Grow
“Anyone who does anything to help a child in his life is a hero to me.” - Fred Rogers
My work as a psychotherapist in the Pittsburgh region often explores the intricate ways our inner world shapes our outer experiences and identity. (If you don’t already know, Pittsburgh has quite a legacy in the developmental psychology space.) Lately my writing has hovered on themes of deception, authenticity, and illusion.
I’m one of the few people I know who don’t enjoy watching people perform magic tricks. I have a visceral aversion to deception in general, and if you read on, you’ll have a good idea why. I value truth and transparency more. But recently, I've been particularly drawn to an idea that might seem paradoxical. Maybe there is one illusion that is essential: the “necessary illusion” of self.
What does THAT mean?
While our sense of “I” feels fundamental and continuous and very real, it's also a constructed narrative, a story built piece by piece from our earliest interactions and experiences. None of those singular pieces make us who we are. They are only a part of us. And this seemingly illusory self, I suggest, is the hidden foundation upon which elemental kinds of learning and growth rests, preposterous as that may first sound.
But think back to early childhood. The world is a kaleidoscope of sensations, and the first task of the developing mind is to create a sense of order, a central point of reference.
This unique “I” or identity that begins to emerge isn't a fully formed entity, but rather a gradual dawning awareness of being both separate from, and connected to, the world. This nascent sense of self, while still fragile, is a foundational anchor point from which you and every single child begins to explore, interact, and learn.
I’m not dismissing the self as “merely” an illusion but highlighting how this constructed narrative is necessary and functional for development; thus bridging Eastern concepts about the illusory nature of self with Western developmental frameworks that explain its crucial functions.
This integration creates a more nuanced perspective that acknowledges both the constructed nature of selfhood and its essential role in early cognitive and emotional development.
Secure attachment, the bedrock of healthy development, plays a crucial role in solidifying this early sense of self. When a child experiences consistent and responsive caregiving, they begin to build an “internal working model” (sort of like a hologram) – implicit thoughts or impressions that the world is predictable and that their needs will be met. Sensing that, “A caregiver is there for me.” Paradoxically, childhood fantasies help them to engage with the world.
This fosters a sense of safety and trust, allowing the child to venture out and engage with the world without constant overwhelming fear. The early “illusion” of a reliable world, centered around a developing “me,” is essential for cognitive exploration and growth. This is also why many (but not all) adoptions can be terrifying and traumatic.
As children continue to grow, they weave a narrative of who they are through their various experiences and the stories they are told. This autobiographical memory, the ongoing story of “me,” of our identity, provides a sense of continuity and coherence.
Such a sense of identity allows children to understand basic cause and effect, to learn from the past, and to project into the future —all crucial elements of cognitive development.
A consistent and coherent self-narrative provides the framework for understanding the world as equally consistent and coherent.
But what if we don’t have that?
Consider the impact of a shaky foundation. In my own childhood, as I've come to understand through later discoveries, (via DNA tests) an undisclosed family secret about my paternity created an underlying and pervasive sense of instability. My own mother was abandoned by her mother and was fortunate enough to be raised by her grandmother. But she did not go unscathed. She never talked about her experience as an adoptee. Her silence, and her unprocessed rage, more than likely affected me.
An internal lack of coherence manifested in feelings that my world, even something as logical as mathematics, was unpredictable and “capricious” for me. More like an amorphous cloud of probability than solid and reliable. My emotionally volatile world was too full of doubt. Something was off.
Without a stable “self” to anchor my early understanding, the consistent rules of math and language often felt arbitrary. Two plus two was always four, yes, but six times six strangely might not always be thirty-six. My relationship to a stable self was disrupted, and I “guessed” a lot as a kid. I didn’t fantasize much at all. I received mixed messages like “living in a dream world” or fantasy play and storytelling were potentially destructive rather than constructive and protective. Perhaps that’s why I was drawn to intriguing TV shows like The Twilight Zone as a sort of psychological haven.
This isn't just a personal anecdote. A fragile or insecure sense of self can significantly hinder any child's ability to focus, grasp more complex abstract concepts, develop motivation, and navigate social learning.
A stark illustration of what happens when “necessary illusions” are undermined can be seen in the groundbreaking “Doll Test” conducted in the 1940s. (See hyperlink for details.) The preference shown by Black children for white dolls revealed the damaging impact of segregation on their developing sense of self, demonstrating how external messages — and a child's painful awareness of societal values — can shatter a child's inherent sense of their own worth and beauty. This internalized negativity, much like the instability caused by early trauma or inconsistent care, can significantly hinder a child's early development.
When our internal worlds feel chaotic, the external world, including the structured environment of learning, can feel overwhelming and difficult to make sense of. This can sometimes be misdiagnosed as attention issues or learning disabilities when the root may be in a disrupted sense of self. I don’t think I would have met the criteria for an ADHD diagnosis, but I certainly had many of its traits, like cognitive disengagement. Something wasn’t right. In retrospect, my sense of self wasn’t quite lining up with my experience.
Furthermore, early trauma and neglect (and other Adverse Childhood Experiences) can shatter these “necessary illusions” of safety and self-coherence, leading to long-term challenges in both emotional and cognitive development, and sporadic episodes of cognitive disengagement. The feeling of a violated trust, even if not consciously understood at the time, can create a deep-seated instability that impacts how a child engages with the world and their own potential. Many adoption advocates call a version of this the “primal wound.”
So, what does this mean for us as parents, educators, and caregivers who interact with children? It underscores the vital importance of nurturing a child's developing sense of self through consistent, responsive care, by validating their experiences, and by helping them build a coherent and positive self-narrative using a kind of developmental scaffolding —robust early attachment experiences that are “good enough.” Creating environments that support safety, predictability, and a sense of belonging allow these “necessary illusions” to flourish, providing the bedrock for lifelong curiosity, learning, and growth.
Understanding the profound connection between our sense of self and our cognitive abilities reminds us that nurturing a child's inner world is not just about emotional well-being; it's about laying the essential foundation for a curious, engaged, and capable mind through adolescence and into adulthood, and I think we all intuitively know this.
Do you think this work of mine could lead to writing a book? What do you think? Is it a worthy topic to explore at length in a larger format? Are you as intrigued as I am about “necessary illusions”? Let me know in the comments.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. For medical advice or diagnosis, consult a professional.
For further reading. Several studies have established connections between early adversity and cognitive development:
Shonkoff et al. (2012) - “The Lifelong Effects of Early Childhood Adversity and Toxic Stress” published in Pediatrics showed how prolonged activation of stress response systems disrupts brain architecture and affects learning, memory, and executive function development.
Nelson et al.'s Bucharest Early Intervention Project - This landmark longitudinal study of children raised in Romanian orphanages demonstrated significant cognitive deficits associated with institutional care and showed partial recovery with intervention, highlighting the impact of early deprivation on brain development.
Hair et al. (2015) - Published in JAMA Pediatrics, this study used neuroimaging to show structural differences in brain regions associated with learning and memory in children from lower socioeconomic backgrounds who experienced higher stress levels.
Teicher & Samson (2016) - Their research demonstrated how different forms of childhood maltreatment affected specific brain regions and cognitive functions, showing maltreatment-related alterations in brain structure, function, and connectivity.
Blair & Raver (2016) - Their work on poverty and child development showed how socioeconomic disadvantage and associated stressors affect executive functioning and self-regulation capacities.
Masten et al. - Research on homelessness and highly mobile children showed impacts on executive function and academic achievement, demonstrating how instability affects cognitive development.
Farah et al. - Their neurocognitive studies explored socioeconomic status effects on specific neurocognitive systems, showing that childhood poverty particularly impacts language and executive function systems.
Evans & Schamberg (2009) - Their work demonstrated that childhood poverty duration predicts adult working memory, mediated by elevated chronic stress during childhood.
Well-said.