A Life Revised
“You Must Revise Your Life” - William Stafford
On writing, the poet William Stafford wrote: “It is like fishing,” he says, and he must be receptive and “willing to fail. If I am to keep writing, I cannot bother to insist on high standards.... I am following a process that leads so wildly and originally into new territory that no judgment can at the moment be made about values, significance, and so on.... I am headlong to discover.”
Life often throws freaky surprises our way, Some of them joyous, others heartbreaking. For me, a discovery about my parentage in 2019 has ultimately clarified, rather than shattered, the very foundation of my identity. Learning that the father I knew wasn't my biological father after a lifetime had brought waves of complex emotions – grief, anger, confusion, and a profound sense of loss, — a sense that I had unconsciously been carrying since childhood. An entire lifetime feels tinged with emptiness, a path not taken, and relationships unlived. This new information validated subtle ambiguities I've harbored since childhood, a disquietude hovering in the background that now has a name. The discovery was indeed bittersweet. I wasn’t delusional. I was just lied to (for understandable reasons) and my parents took their secrets to the grave.
There's no right or wrong way to navigate this situation. Everyone processes such revelations differently. Some may choose to delve into their biological family history, seeking answers and connections as I had done. Others may find solace in focusing on the present, nurturing existing relationships, and exploring new passions. The key is to prioritize what feels right for you.
For some, talking to a therapist can be a safe space to unpack these emotions and develop healthy coping strategies. Journaling can be a powerful tool for self-reflection and processing the pain. For me, it was drawing that was a doorway into these feelings because my issues were pre-verbal, and written language was unable to penetrate those deeper primordial emotions. Revising my understanding of emotions as a much broader spectrum helped. For example, I learned anger has many different facets, it was not only the violent rage of my mother. Simply allowing yourself to feel the full range and spectrum of emotions is a crucial step towards healing.
The road ahead may be uncertain, as it always has been for me, but it's not without hope. My discovery, while bewildering, has been a catalyst for growth. With time and self-compassion, it's possible to find meaning and purpose in this new chapter even as I enter retirement age.
There is such relief when the unconscious disquiet finally tells its story.
I found out something about my mother's brother, who took his own life, just a few years ago. I thought he did this when my mother was a teenager, and this caused me to think of my mother in a certain way (like this event shaped her in such and such a way). I recently found out it happened when I was a baby. THIS! No wonder the bonding and attachment left me wanting! No wonder she seemed to bond with my younger sister, born three years later, more than with me! It's so weird when you go through a lifetime with a false belief and when you realize things weren't what you thought, it completely turns years of experiences on their head. Great post!