Have you ever felt paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake? A fellow Substacker
enticed me to write a little more about this subject. This week, we delve into a topic often shrouded in negativity: mistakes. Our world glorifies achievement, perfection, and one-shot successes. Yet, within the sanctuary of therapy rooms, a different truth unfolds. Mistakes, far from being painful failures, are frequently the stepping stones to our most significant growth.Imagine a child learning to walk. There are stumbles, falls, and inevitable rises. Each misstep isn't a defeat but a lesson in balance and coordination. The same principle applies to us as adults. We navigate complex situations, make choices, and sometimes, we err.
Here's a personal story from my early days as I was becoming a therapist. Thirty years ago, a dozen anxieties gnawed at me before my first therapy sessions. One day, I arrived five minutes late, apologizing profusely to the receptionist. As I waited, guilt gnawed at me. Five minutes morphed into ten, leading me to believe my therapist was teaching me a lesson – a reversal of roles, perhaps. Fantasies of punishment for disrespecting her time filled my head. Just then, her surprised face appeared, followed by a sheepish grin from the receptionist. Inside the office, my therapist apologized – the receptionist had dialed the wrong number and hadn't notified her of my arrival!
The most intriguing aspect was the whirlwind of self-generated fantasies, kept hidden until the safe space of therapy encouraged me to share them. In that single session, due to a simple error, I learned more about myself than in prior sessions combined. The mistake became a doorway to growth, and if I hadn’t risked sharing my authentic thoughts and feelings I would have missed out on an amazing experience opening up profound self-understanding that shaped my growth as a therapist.
Here's the secret: scientists like Niels Bohr, who helped us understand the complexities of atomic theory, often acknowledged that making mistakes was an integral part of their learning process. Bohr famously stated, An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field. This highlights how each error is a stepping stone to deeper understanding. Similarly, Max Delbrück a pioneer in molecular biology, noted how nature's tolerance for errors can lead to remarkable adaptations, showing that even what seems like a mistake can open the door to new possibilities and innovations.
So, how can we reframe mistakes in our own lives? Here are a few tips:
Embrace the Learning Opportunity: Every mistake holds a valuable lesson. Reflect on what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future. Also, ask yourself What went right?
Forgive Yourself: Guilt and shame only hinder progress. Acknowledge the mistake, learn from it, and move forward.
Celebrate Your Resilience: Getting back up after a setback is a sign of strength and determination.
Remember, even the MOST accomplished people make mistakes. We are imperfect. The difference lies in how they perceive and utilize those experiences. Let's view mistakes as a natural part of learning, a chance to become more prepared, and ultimately, a catalyst for our growth.
Warmly,
The Psychotherapist
P.S. Do you have a question about a mistake you've made? Share your mistake story in the comments below, and let's explore how you can turn it into a learning opportunity.
I just wrote about needing to redefine learning -what I propose it should be, and building theory around this new definition. Part of what I begin to address (and will cover a lot more later) is how the current definition of learning centers the concepts of succes and failure, and the dogma of education instills this belief in us. But it doesn't have to be this way; in fact, I argue, it shouldn't be this way. Learning encompasses all - its only when we add intent that we can measure achievement. I believe if we appreciate the learning that occurs, regardless of intent, we can become gentler with ourselves (and others) when we dont match or exceed our intended goals.
That is to say, I agree with you.
This post hits hard because, as someone who struggled with perfectionism, not being allowed mistakes holds you in such a tight grip that growth is impossible.