We all dream of a world without lies, but as a therapist, I've seen firsthand how deception, from playful pranks to devastating betrayals, shapes our lives.
Witnessing the complexities of honesty and deception throughout my life, especially as a psychotherapist creating safe spaces for exploration, has fueled my understanding. Just like dealing with grief and loss, lying is a natural part of human development, and crucial for navigating the complexities of human interaction.
Early on, honesty was black and white - lying was simply wrong. But encountering life's complexities, I discovered a spectrum of truthfulness. Even childhood games like dressing up or playing Peek-a-Boo involve a playful form of deception. Understanding these nuances, and the potential consequences, became crucial for navigating the gray areas of honesty in real-world interactions.
Honesty and deception exist on a spectrum. While destructive deceit erodes trust, pro-social lies, like complimenting a friend's cooking, can serve a positive purpose. Recognizing this distinction is crucial for navigating truthfulness in our interactions.
A birthday party car trip in third grade (a weighty social occasion for a child) became a lesson in self-deception for me. Ignoring a restroom need led to a moment of intense shame and embarrassment. This experience, filled with those powerful emotions, highlighted the importance of self-honesty, and self-acceptance.
I had enjoyed fantasy play until then. I learned that deception could be devastatingly painful. As I grew, I learned that playful storytelling and lying could have deadly consequences, particularly for adults given responsibility for the lives of others, like a teacher, nurses, physicians, police officers, or airline pilots.
This realization about the complexities of deception made me question other career choices I was exploring as a child. While acting or performing can be a stable and achievable career path, I realized I wouldn't be comfortable with the level of deception often required in acting.
My younger brother had a mischievous streak. He enjoyed playful pranks, especially on Dad. April Fools' Day was guaranteed to bring some kind of good-natured trickery from him. But there was another side to his ability to hide things. In his early twenties, under chronic stress, he began experiencing auditory, visual, and olfactory hallucinations. He was later diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, a challenge he bravely faced throughout his life. Though fiercely independent (perhaps a trait we both shared, especially common in men), his struggle sometimes led him to believe he could manage everything alone. This ultimately proved to be a different kind of deception, one that played out within himself.
These personal stories shed light on the emotional impact and lessons learned from navigating truthfulness. Beyond personal experiences, social messages also shaped my understanding.
Culture played a role in shaping my understanding of honesty and deception. Mixed messages, like those seen in movies and family dynamics, contributed to the evolving nature of my mindset. I began to recognize the gray areas and complexities inherent in navigating truthfulness in different contexts. I recall watching the mesmerizing film, Oliver! as a boy when the character Fagin joyously sang You’ve Got to Pick a Pocket or Two. Or in Cabaret when Liza Minelli and Joel Grey sang Money Makes the World Go Around.
In my role as a psychotherapist, honesty, and trust are paramount and sacred in therapeutic relationships. Creating a safe and nurturing space for innocent children requires a commitment to transparency and authenticity. Reflecting on my professional experiences, I've come to appreciate the importance of integrity in fostering trust, healing, and growth.
My story of self-discovery and exploration has further shaped my thoughts about honesty and authenticity. Disenchanted with the field of advertising after college, I embarked on a quest to find a more meaningful way of making a living in the world. Through therapy and introspection, I've gained insights into the complexities of honesty and deception, leading me to pursue a career dedicated to helping others navigate their truths. Acceptance and loss are a part of this.
Deception plays a surprising role in our economic system here in the U.S. Advertising, for example, relies on puffery - positive exaggerations - to make products seem better than they are. This highlights the challenge of navigating truthfulness in a world driven by persuasion.
By early adulthood, I came to accept that deception and capitalism were powerful realities of life and I had general plans to enter the field of advertising after college, due to the wonderfully creative and pervasive television commercials I witnessed as a child. But once I got a taste of what advertising life would be like, I became disenchanted with the industry and became increasingly uncomfortable with the level of deception required. I entered a phase of exploration, searching for a unique way of being in the world.
Seeking a more meaningful path based on authenticity, I started therapy and began a journey of self-discovery, seeking answers through art and music, 12-step programs, and exploring several menial jobs to earn an income, eventually leading to grad school and the mental health field. Years later, a DNA test revealed a startling truth… and deception: my father wasn't who I thought he was. I had experienced what is now being called misattributed parentage. This, along with my brother's passing, highlighted the complexities of denial and compartmentalization. Like my mother, who likely used it to shield and cope with her difficult past, denial can be a survival tool but ultimately hinders growth if left unchecked.
Life’s journey has taught me that honesty and deception, like grief, loss, and acceptance are multifaceted aspects of the human condition. From childhood perceptions to professional reflections, navigating truthfulness requires introspection, empathy, and a willingness to confront the complexities of our emotions, thoughts, and experiences.
As we continue to explore our own truths, may we find clarity, authenticity, and connection in our journey of self-discovery. In a utopian world without deception, perhaps the very complexities we navigate are the broken shards that form the intricate mosaic of the human experience.
I’d love to hear from you! Sharing our experiences can help us build empathy and understanding in navigating this complex human reality. Do you remember when you first learned about deception? What was that like for you? Shocking? Confusing? Entertaining? Let me know in the comments below.
If you enjoyed this article, you may be interested in reading my memoir called My Mother’s Ghosts.
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