Dead Secrets

When The Undead Past Rises from the Grave

Photo by Jose Rueda on Unsplash

Family secrets can be like zombies who refuse to stay in their graves. Many individuals who have experienced a non-paternity event (NPE) or misattributed parentage face the challenge of discovering these secrets long after loved ones have died. The revelation of secrets can disrupt the collective family narrative, leading to feelings of disorientation and a sense of lost connection to the family's shared history.

This can challenge an individual's understanding of their own identity, as it often forces them to re-evaluate their family history and the stories they have been told. The discovery of secrets can feel like ghosts from the past returning to haunt the living, particularly when they are revealed long after the estrangement or death of loved ones. Individuals may struggle to mourn a relationship that was never fully realized, leading to a sense of loss and betrayal.

Adoptees tend to have a unique insight into this issue and have been known to engage in a similar phenomenon known as a Ghost Kingdom. Ghost Kingdom is a term used to describe the internal world of many adoptees who explore these kinds of questions. To oversimplify, it's where they imagine what their lives might have been like if they hadn't been adopted. The emotional challenges and unique sense of loss associated with such discoveries can be overwhelming, akin to your worst nightmare —a personal zombie apocalypse. Much like adoptees create a “Ghost Kingdom” to imagine alternate realities, many cultures have developed rituals and beliefs to connect with the deceased, providing insight into how we cope with loss and secrets.

Cultural Perspectives on Death and the Afterlife

Cultural beliefs and traditions can significantly influence how individuals experience and navigate the emotional turmoil of unearthing family secrets. In cultures where ancestors are revered, the revelation of secrets may be seen as a disruption of the ancestral lineage, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, or a need to restore internal harmony. Conversely, in cultures that emphasize individual autonomy, individuals may be more likely to focus on personal healing and growth. The cultural context can also shape how families respond to secrets, with some cultures prioritizing forgiveness and reconciliation, while others may emphasize the preservation of family honor.

Grief & Loss

Coping with grief and loss can be a complex process, and individuals may seek various strategies to find solace and closure. One creative approach is to imagine having a conversation with the departed, or at least the possibility of one. This technique, similar to the Gestalt “empty chair” approach, can provide a therapeutic space for emotional exploration. Some individuals may also turn to spiritual practices or mediums in an attempt to communicate with deceased loved ones and seek closure. While this can appear to provide a sense of comfort or validation, it can also often raise ethical questions about the manipulation and exploitation of grief.

Here is one example I would consider ethical: The phone of the wind. This is an installation, constructed after multiple disasters in 2010, providing a unique example of how individuals can seek connection with the deceased. A Japanese man set up a glass booth with a detached rotary telephone so that others could dial the number of the deceased and have a one-way conversation with their loved one at no charge. Such an approach can help to process emotions much in the same way as writing a therapeutic letter that is never meant to be sent. It's a form of make-believe or therapeutic pretending, manifesting the fundamental idea that creativity is a threat to a closed system.

Carnival celebrations around the world can serve as a form of public catharsis, allowing individuals to express internal conflicts or pent-up emotions in a safe and controlled environment. This can be particularly beneficial in cultures where strict social norms or religious beliefs may suppress the expression of certain emotions. Similarly, cultural celebrations like Halloween and Día de los Muertos offer opportunities for individuals to reflect on death and loss, while also providing a sense of community and shared experience. Carnival, with its temporary suspension of social norms and mask-wearing, can serve as a powerful psychological tool for individuals to release pent-up emotions and explore their identities. These celebrations can offer a sense of belonging and solidarity, as well as a feeling of shared catharsis.

Discovering family secrets can be a deeply painful experience, often compounding the grief and loss associated with the death of a loved one. Individuals may struggle to mourn a relationship that was never fully realized, leading to a sense of betrayal and resentment towards deceased family members. This can make it difficult to process grief and move forward, leaving the individual feeling emotionally stuck or helpless. Moreover, society often minimizes certain forms of grief, labeling them as insignificant compared to the death of a loved one. This is known as disenfranchised grief. However, estranged or broken relationships, job changes, moving away from loved ones, or the loss of a cherished pet can all trigger significant emotional upheaval and deeper internal conflicts. Family secrets, particularly when they involve parent-child relationships, can fall into this category of ambiguous loss.

Coping Strategies

Coping with the emotional turmoil associated with discovering family secrets requires a combination of self-care, support, and emotional processing.

Seeking Support

Reaching out to friends, family, or mental health professionals can provide invaluable support during this difficult time. Social media support groups on this specific issue can be helpful, but you may need more than friendly emotional support.

Self-Expression

Engaging in creative outlets, such as journaling or expressive art therapies, can help individuals process their emotions, gain clarity, and achieve a greater sense of agency in their lives. Reading, writing, or simply listening to stories that explore salient themes of thoughts and feelings can be therapeutic. What resonates with you?

Mindfulness & Meditation

Mindfulness techniques can help manage stress and anxiety, allowing individuals to focus on the present moment and reduce rumination.

Discovering family secrets after the death of loved ones can be a deeply painful experience. While horror stories and zombies are fiction, painful feelings are very real and can be overwhelming. However, by understanding the complexities of grief and loss and utilizing effective coping strategies, individuals can navigate this challenging time and find healing.

What ways have you used to address grief and loss? I bet you can name a few movies that you’ve seen over the years that raise this theme. Please feel free to share thoughts and feeling on this topic. Your insights can be valuable to others who may be facing similar challenges. Thanks!

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Resources:

MPE Counseling - A directory and educational resource for those who are seeking counseling. If you have had an NPE, Adoption, Assisted Reproduction, or misattributed parentage experience.

Are You, You? - The MPE experience and The Complexity of Discovering Your Biological Parents 

Grief: Coping with the loss of your loved one - Research shows that most people can recover from loss on their own through the passage of time if they have social support and healthy habits.

Complicated Grief - For some people, feelings of loss are debilitating and don't improve even after time passes. This is complicated grief, sometimes called persistent complex bereavement disorder. In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long-lasting and severe that you have trouble recovering from the loss and resuming your own life.

Genetic Mirroring - Genetic mirroring is the reflection of our inherited traits; physical, psychological or emotional from our biological heritage. It provides a basis of familiarity to your cultural, ethnic and racial groups and if you are adopted or fostered by a different culture, ethnic or racial family you didn't get the daily dose of genetic markers which help you develop a clear sense of your identity.

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Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional mental health advice. If you are experiencing significant emotional distress or are considering self-harm, please seek help from a qualified mental health professional immediately. Reading this article does not replace the need for personalized guidance and support from a licensed therapist.

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